Help! My Adult Child Won’t Talk to Me!
Waiting for a call back…
Every day, I hear this—from friends and family members, my clients, on social media, and even strangers in the grocery store. Parents of adult children are angry, confused, scared, hurt, and heartbroken when their kid stops communicating.
Parent-child estrangement is not uncommon, it’s not a fad, and it’s not a temper tantrum.
This is not easy to hear, and it’s heartbreaking to deal with. For many younger adults, the traditional concept of “family obligation” has shifted, and now terms like “boundaries”, “low contact”, and “no contact” are common. And terrifying to older adults.
A 2023 study on parental estrangement (Reczek, Stacey & Thomeer, 2023) showed that 6% of adults aged 26 and older had been estranged from their mothers, and 26% of adults aged 23 and older were estranged from their fathers. Sons were more likely to cut off their mothers than daughters. There is encouragement: the study also showed that 81% of participants eventually reconnected with their estranged mothers, and 69% with their fathers.
Each family is unique, and the reasons for estrangement are complicated. Here are some of the reasons adult children estrange from their parents:
Childhood abuse and neglect: physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse and physical and emotional neglect are well-known factors.
Poor parenting: over-controlling or permissive parenting styles, lack of support, playing favorites, or hyper-critical parenting.
Perpetual conflicts: mismatched values (political, religious, financial, lifestyle, etc.), unmet needs or unrealistic expectations, or differences in opinion.
Divorce and remarriage: conflict, disruptive family dynamics, lack of attention, or feeling “caught in the middle”.
Mental health and addiction issues: It’s common for adult children to give their parents “one more chance” before cutting contact.
Enmeshment: lack of boundaries between parents and child, excessive emotional closeness, or lack of autonomy.
Our adult children do not owe us their time, their availability, or companionship.
But, generally speaking, most adult kids want a healthy relationship with their parents and don’t want to cut them out of their lives. When an adult child decides to go “no contact” or “step back”, it is not a knee-jerk reaction. It’s a decision years in the making.
So. What do you do?
If you are in this situation, the first thing to do is to do nothing. Take a pause.
You are only in control of yourself and how you respond.
Doing nothing allows you to respond logically and calmly.
Respect the boundary. Pushing back or ignoring your child’s wishes will only cause bigger problems down the road.
Grieve the loss. The grief can be heartbreaking. It can take you to your knees. Give yourself some time to pause. Accept that you are in a different phase of your relationship, and you wish things could be different.
Feel your feelings. Grief has many emotions associated with it, so it’s normal to feel betrayed, angry, distraught, disappointed, confused, sad, disrespected, and more. These feelings are normal but super uncomfortable, so find healthy ways to deal with them.
Give it time. Time heals and allows for new perspectives. Time allows the rough edges to soften. Time gives you the chance to calm down and approach this from a more logical, less reactive mind.
Focus on yourself. It’s time to fill your own bucket. Do things you enjoy and focus on your physical and mental health.
Accept that you are part of the problem. Relationships are a 2-way street. Your child stepped away from you because the relationship doesn't feel safe. Take responsibility for your part in that.
Seek counseling. Estrangement is a daily heartbreak. Working with a therapist can help you:
Accept the loss.
Manage uncomfortable feelings.
Learn responsibility for your part.
Redefine your relationship with your adult child.
And even help you reconcile.
Most estrangements are temporary, but could take months, even years, to heal.
Parent-child estrangement is becoming more common, and the fact is, you may never know why. Or you may know darn well why your kid doesn’t want you in their life. Our adult children are not miniature versions of us. They have independent values, lifestyles, dreams, wishes, and opinions. The good news is that in most cases, with honest reflection and intentional repair, reconciliation is possible.
If you're estranged from your adult child, you're not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Counseling can offer healing and support as you move through this painful chapter.
Leslie McReynolds is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Associate, supervised by Dr. Lisa Grubbs, based in Flower Mound, TX. She specializes in helping people break unhelpful, unhealthy cycles of anxiety, trauma, and grief. Working with families, couples, and individuals ages 11 and up, Leslie uses nurturing and practical approaches to help her clients heal, grow, and transform. She is currently accepting new clients. You can find her at Flower Mound Counseling, www.flomocounseling.com, or lesliemcreynoldscounseling.com
Gilbertson, T. (2020). Reconnecting with your estranged adult child: Practical tips and tools to heal your relationship. New World Library.
Reczek, C., Stacey, L., & Thomeer, M. B. (2023). Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 85(2), 494–517. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12889
